Harvest Moon: Jack's Troubled Life
by Out of the Orange
Summary: All about the troubling misadventures of our farming friend, Jack Harvest, a parody of a crapload of HM games.
1. Love and Marriage?

**_HARVEST MOON: JACK'S TROUBLED LIFE_**

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Jack or Karen. I only own the convoluted plot.

**Warning:** This story earns its T rating. Definitely not one of the tamer HM fics out there…

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**_Chapter 1: Love and Marriage?

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_**

One fine country morning, Jack Harvest woke up to the ever-aggravating sound of a rooster crowing. Jack had always found this odd, seeing as he didn't have any roosters. He had around a bazillion chickens, to be sure, but he was quite positive none of them were male because they all laid eggs. '_Oh well; screw it!'_ he thought. '_Time for yet another day of tedious back-breaking labor! Joy!'_

He hopped energetically out of bed, accidentally kicking his wife as he was in the process of doing so. Karen let out a yelp and threw a pillow at him. "Dammit, Honey!" she shrieked in belligerence, "that hurt!"

"Yeah, yeah…" Jack mumbled, not paying his spouse any attention, as was his habit. He fished around on the floor for his trademark trucker hat, which had mysteriously fallen off his head during his sleep. He really hated losing his cap, which was why he wore it to bed every night.

Karen, meanwhile, was still complaining. "Really, Honey; I don't see why you in_sist_ on coming to bed every night fully clothed- right down to your boots, even!" she bitched. "That kick of yours might not have hurt so much if you hadn't been wearing that heavy, disgusting, manure-encrusted footwear of yours!"

"Jeez! I said I'm sorry, okay?" Jack exclaimed, raising his hands up in the air in a defensive gesture.

"No you didn't!" Karen shrieked.

At this point, Jack discovered his cap under the bed. He ecstatically jammed it back on. The find made him happy enough to try and dismiss Karen's mysterious bad mood that morning (although if he'd bothered thinking about it, she was in this mood _every _morning- but of course, he didn't). He even tried to make amends. "Aw, who cares what I did or didn't say?" he asked affably. "Now make my breakfast."

Karen snapped. "MAKE YOUR OWN DAMN BREAKFAST, ASSHOLE!" she screeched. She stormed out of the house in a positive fury.

Jack stared after her in utter confusion, wondering what on earth could have crawled up her butt hole and died a horrible death. Then he lamented, "Aww, crap; now I _do_ have to make my own damn breakfast."

Fixing himself a hasty meal of Japanese rice balls, Jack set this nourishment before him and downed in it one enormous and defying-of-all-physical-laws-of-nature bite. Then he rushed outside to see what the hell was wrong with Karen, hoping it didn't mean she wouldn't make his dinner tonight, either.

"Karen, what the SHIT is your problem?" he inquired curiously, upon finding her standing uselessly in front of the wooden picnic table behind the house as always.

She glared at him angrily; his approach not exactly being the best one with which to confront an irate wife. "Honey, you don't pay attention to me at all!"

"For God's sake, my name's not 'Honey'," Jack told her, confused. "It's 'Jack'. Why do you keep forgetting my name?"

Karen stared at him for a long moment, struck dumb over his stupidity. Then she repeated slowly, "You…don't…pay…any…attention…to…me."

Jack shrugged. "And that bothers you because?" Then suddenly he grinned manically and screamed, "HEY KAREN! THINK FAST!"

Karen looked up, blinking. "Huh? OW!" A large rock, at least the size of her head, hit her there. …On the head, I mean.

"Ha ha!" Jack chuckled.

"WHAT THE HELL!" Karen jumped up, her eyes blazing wickedly enraged. "YOU LITTLE SON OF A BITCH, WHY'D YOU JUST THROW A FREAKIN' ROCK AT ME! ARE YOU TRYING TO PISS ME OFF?"

In response, Jack just grinned and threw another rock at her head.

"OW!" Karen's heart level dropped from Evil Green to Deathly Purple. "…Oh, that does it. I've put up with just about enough of this shit," she muttered under her breath.

Jack paused from getting ready to throw another rock and stared at her blankly. "Huh?"

"Nothing," she snapped, and would say no more.

Jack shrugged it off, tossed a final rock at her, and went to the barn to milk his cows. He decided that it was just PMS or whatever, and that she'd probably get over it by lunchtime.

He was sadly mistaken. After moseying through his chores, Jack ran into the house to see if Karen had fixed him a sandwich or something, because he sure was starving. To his disappointment, he only found a small envelope on the table. Baffled, he picked it up and began to read the letter inside:

"_Went back to my parents' house. There is some casserole in the refrigerator from a few weeks ago._

"_-Karen."_

Jack stared at the note blankly for a solid five minutes. Then he put it down and frowned. '_Back to her parents' house? Why the hell would she do that?'_ he wondered. '_I thought she always said she hated those bastards. Oh well; at least she left me lunch!'_

Hurrying to the kitchen, Jack opened the refrigerator eagerly to find the casserole. Much to his disgust, it was covered with a fuzzy green mold.

"ARGH! SICK!" he exclaimed, chucking the atrocity away from him. It landed with a chilling 'splat' on the kitchen wall and stuck there. He looked at the mess in a state of mild horror for a few moments, but then decided Karen could just clean it up when she came home, anyway. Come to think of it, he wondered why she might think to leave him with nothing but a moldy lunch to eat. '_Aw, she's probably just getting senile,_' he reflected. '_After all, there IS that whole forgetting my name thing, too._'

Still hungry, he thought hard for a few moments as to what he could eat. He finally decided he'd go pay a visit to the Flower Bud Bakery. It was a long walk, to be sure, but one of Elli's delectable cakes would be worth it.

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**A/N:** So, what'd ya think? As I'm sure most of you have guessed, this chapter is somewhat of a parody of how you can get Jack's wife to leave him in HM64. Later on, I'll probably throw in a few characters from the other games as well. Whatever it takes to make this interesting, eh? 

Now, I'm a total review whore, so please, please, please review now! Tell me what you think about the story so far! I'll lurve ye forever if you do!

**Next: The Mystery of the Missing Housewives!**


	2. Mystery of the Missing Housewives

_**Chapter 2: Mystery of the Missing Housewives!**_

**Disclaimer:** Natsume…owns…EVERYTHING.

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Jack sauntered down the road, happily thinking of the goodies that awaited him at Flower Bud Bakery (and not sparing a single thought on his broken-hearted wife). On the road to town, he ran into the Gourmet Man. 

The man waved at him enthusiastically. "Hello-o-o-o," he belched. "I'm the Gourmet Man. I travel around the world looking for delicious food!"

"I know that." Jack rolled his eyes. "God, talk about needing a job…"

Gourmet Man blinked. "What on earth are you talking about? This _is_ my job!"

Jack's eyes widened in disbelief. "You mean you can get _paid_ for strolling around aimlessly, walking uninvited into people's houses to sample their cooking, and pretty much being an all-around useless tub of lard?"

"…Er, something like that," Gourmet Man replied dubiously, though he frowned a bit over the word choice there.

"Damn! Wish I'd a known that before I became a farmer," Jack lamented.

"Yes, well… Good day to you," the man replied uncomfortably. He shuffled away quickly, and Jack continued on his merry way.

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The bakery was mysteriously empty, save for Jeff, the manager. "Hello, Jack," he said politely as the farmer sauntered in. "How are you today?" 

"I'm good! And gonna get even better after I have one of your kick-ass confections," he replied amiably. He went over to the cake display, pressing his nose right up against the glass he ogled the fresh-baked sweets. "Mmm, those look so good," Jack sighed. "Sure has been a long time since I've had one of these!"

"Erm, please don't do that," Jeff sweatdropped.

Jack turned around with his face still pressed up against the display, leaving a large and copious smear of facial oil and sweat as he moved his face across the glass. "Do what?" he asked, baffled.

"That!" Jeff yelled, ready to have a nervous breakdown.

"Huh? Oh, _this?_" Jack pulled away from the glass, embarrassed. "Sorry about that," he apologized. He quickly began to rub his hands across the smear in an attempt to erase it. "Don't worry, my good man! All it needs is a bit of a rub, and that smear'll vanish like a…" He paused mid-simile when he saw that his rubbing was only making the smear much, much worse. "Hmm!" Jack scratched his head in consternation. "Damn bitch of a window just wants to stay dirty, I guess."

Jeff sighed and began rubbing his temples. "Jack, what do you want?"

"A cake!" Jack replied brightly, forgetting all about the window.

Jeff went behind the display, ready to pull out one of the confections. "Whole or a piece?"

"A piece. I'm just having lunch."

"Cake? For lunch? Uh…right; so today your choices are: Strawberry Delight, Chocolate Explosion, Black Forest, Vanilla Craving, and the Elli Special. Which one would you like?"

"Umm…" Jack thought long and hard. "I'll have a slice of the Elli Special."

"Good, because that's the only kind we have left. Only kind we ever have, in fact; I don't know why I just bothered to read you that long list of names."

"Yeah, I was wondering about that too."

"Well, here you are. Be careful taking those back home-" Jack crammed the slice into the pocket of his jeans. "…Never mind."

"Hey, so where's Elli?" Jack wondered after looking around a bit. Come to think of it, why wasn't she standing obstructively in the bakery doorway like she usually was?

"Huh?" The baker blinked at him in confusion, as if he suddenly lost his ability to comprehend the English language.

Jack rolled his eyes. "You know, Elli? Your wife?"

"Eh…uh…" Jeff stared at him with a vague look on his face for a bit, then smiled and announced, "When I'm tired I drink a cup of tea! It warms and refreshes my body and spirits."

Jack shook his head. He could see that Jeff wasn't ever going to spill the beans as to where Elli had gone, for whatever odd reason. "Yeah well, screw you too, you pathetic moron…" he muttered, getting ready to leave.

On his way out, he ran into Ann's husband Cliff, who was just about to enter the bakery. Which really shouldn't have happened, because as anyone who's ever played Harvest Moon 64 knows, Cliff _never_ patronizes the bakery. Probably because cake and pie would give his bird indigestion or something.

"Hey, Cliff!" Jack greeted him cheerily.

Cliff looked up with characteristic gloom. "Hey," he grunted.

"So how's the ranch doing?"

"Great. And your farm?"

"Snazzy, thanks!"

Silence.

"Well, if you've got nothing else to say, I'll just be going in now…" Cliff began to sidle through the doorway, but Jack suddenly grabbed him by the arm.

"Wait a minute," he said suspiciously. "Where's _your_ wife?"

"What kinda question is that?" Cliff demanded.

"A question I want answered, you little punk!"

Before Cliff could oblige (or kick his ass, which he was probably more likely to do), Jack's mind wandered elsewhere. "Hey, Karen told me something funny the other day," he remarked, apropos of absolutely nothing. "Did you know that you and her are cousins?"

"…Uh-huh."

"No, really! You are!"

"…I know."

"Right, just making sure. Hey, so that means we're cousins-in-law or something! We're related! Isn't that cool?"

"Delightful," Cliff replied with all the enthusiasm of a half-dead snail on depressants.

Suddenly Jack got a good look at Cliff's face. "Holy shit in a crackerjack box! You look like crap!" he exclaimed. "What the hell happened to your face?"

Cliff scowled. "You're no beauty queen yourself, asshole," he snapped. Then he explained, "My wife and I had a fight last night. She punched me in the eye."

Jack chuckled in sympathy. "That sucks, man. I'm glad Karen never tries to punch me in the face. She just throws things at me from time to time. But hey, I throw stuff at her too, so it's all good."

Cliff stared. "You…_throw_ things…at your WIFE?" he asked slowly.

"Yeah. You know; rocks and that sorta thing. Don't get me wrong, though- it's all in good fun! So I'm sure she doesn't mind."

Cliff shook his head in disbelief. "You are one screwed-up bastard," he muttered.

"What?" Jack asked blankly.

"…Never mind…" Cliff pushed his way past Jack and shut the door behind him.

Jack frowned. "What's got _his_ goat?" he wondered. "Oh, well. Whoopee! I got cake! Now I need a good book to enjoy it with."

With this decision in mind, Jack trotted off to go pay a visit to Maria at the village library.

To his bafflement, there was no one there at the check-out counter when he arrived. "Huh?" he exclaimed, looking around. "That's funny. Isn't Maria or her mom always somewhere around?"

"H-h-hello," a shy voice stammered out from nowhere. "H-how are you?"

"ARGH!" Jack shot up about fifty feet in the air, or would have if the library ceiling went up that high. As it was, he launched himself up and clung to one of the wooden beams. "OH MY GOD, IT'S TRUE WHAT THOSE SCREWY KIDS SAY! THE LIBRARY _IS_ HAUNTED!"

"Wha…what are you talking about?" the voice asked, sounding worried.

Jack gulped. "Maria? Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Jack. Wh-what's wrong?"

"What's wrong? I can't see you, THAT'S what's wrong!" he bellowed angrily. "Where the hell are you?"

"Jack? I, I'm right down here, at the counter. What do you mean you can't s-s-see me? Why are you acting so strange today…?"

Jack stared. There was no one _at_ the counter! But sure enough, that was where the voice seemed to be coming from. Very slowly, he dropped himself down to the floor and went over for a closer look.

"Ah-hah!" he suddenly exclaimed. "You're hiding _under _the counter, aren't you?" He dropped down to his knees and poked his head around.

"YEEK!" The empty air beside him let out a scream, which caused Jack to jump back in alarm. "J-J-J-Jack! What are you doing! You, you, you…p-p-pervert!"

Jack blinked. "Wha…?" he said, utterly confused. "Okay, this is too creepy. Forget the book; I'm outta here!" Jack hastily made his exit, before Maria-who-wasn't-there could bitch-slap him or something. Perhaps it was just as well, because it wasn't like he was all that much of a reading person, anyway.

On his way home, he ran into Harris, the postal worker. "Why, hello there, Jack!" Harris greeted him cheerfully. "How are you?"

Jack stopped dead in his tracks and turned to stare at him, "Harris," he said thoughtfully, "did you know that your wife has turned invisible?"

Harris stared back at him, a blank look on his face. "…Letters are wonderful," he finally said stupidly.

"Yeah, figured you'd say something like that," Jack muttered. "Never mind."

Harris shrugged it off with a smile. "…Oh, hey! Wait a sec, Jack!" he called out.  
Jack turned around. "What now?"

"Your wife wrote a letter to you." He dug energetically through his mail bag. "It's in here somewhere- Ah, eureka!" Pulling out a small envelope, he handed it to Jack. "It was sent from her parents' house. She there for a visit?"

Jack took the letter from him. "Huh? Oh, sure," he replied in an absent-minded fashion. "I guess. See ya later!"

"Bye!" Harris waddled away happily to continue his postal working.

'_Man, I am REALLY hungry now!_' Jack thought to himself. He made his way home and tossed the letter dismissively on the table before settling himself down to enjoy his cake. Somehow he managed to scrape most of its remains out of his pockets and onto his plate, and he fell to eating it with much pleasure.

A few minutes later, he suddenly remembered the letter from Karen. Stuffing a final morsel into his mouth, he reached over and picked up the envelope. '_Christ, why's she keep sending me all these letters? She's wasting stamps! I work hard to make money for those stamps!_' he thought to himself in irritation. He pulled the letter out. It read,

"_Ahem. I SAID, I'm back at my parents' house! You know, as in I'm NOT WITH YOU anymore? How obvious of a god damn hint do I have to give you, you retard?_

"_-Karen."_

"Uh, hello! I noticed she's not here! Jeez, what's with her and having to state the obvious all the time? She wasted good stamps to tell me _that?_" Jack said to himself in disgust. He threw the letter aside and went back out to go fish for a while.

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**A/N:** From a review one of my friends gave, I see that it would probably be best if I explained the parodied things in each chapter. No, I'm not going to dissect each and every joke or punch line- I mean, jeez; what a way to kill the humor. But in HM64 there are a lot of glitches and random, whacked-out stuff that you can have Jack do that everyone may not be aware of. And if you _are_ aware of them, it makes some of the oddities in this story a little easier to understand. Or you can just run off and try whatever it is I'm describing for yourself, in the game. Right now I'll explain some of the stuff I didn't get around to last chapter along with this chapter's stuff, because…well, I didn't do it last time! And I should have. So here goes: 

_**Chapter 1:**_

1. **Heart Levels:** As most of us know, in Harvest Moon you can marry an "eligible" girl once you work her heart level up to Pink. The color order you have to work up from goes as follows: White, Purple, Green, Yellow, Pink.

2. **So you miss the bachelor's life: **When you marry, you still have to work to keep your wife's heart level Pink. If you neglect her for a long, long time, her level will drop down to Yellow. If you continue the neglect it will turn Green, which is when she'll start to bitch at you about how you don't pay enough attention to her or whatever (well, Karen will definitely bitch like that…the other wives just sort of whine that they're lonely or tired or whatever). Once her heart level goes all the way down to Purple, the next time you enter your house you'll find a note from her saying that she left; she went back to her parents' house. Of course, if you're really sick of your wife (or if you're just bored and looking for some kicks) you can just take the Jack Harvest approach and give her rocks and weeds. That'll make her hate you a lot faster.

_**Chapter 2:**_

1. **Disappearing housewives? WTF:** This wasn't as random as it probably seemed to be in the story…(sweatdrop). In the game, once your wife leaves, all the other women you could have married vanish off the face of the earth. The game designers probably did this in order to prevent…well, you know; 'when the cat's away the mice will play' and things to that effect. Even if the women have married, they will still disappear. One strange thing is that even if this happens, when you go to the library Maria won't be there- but supposedly, if you talk to where she's supposed to be standing behind the desk, she'll respond like she normally does! So it's like Jack's talking to a ghost or something. (Actually, I haven't tried this out myself because the time I have Jack chase his wife away always falls in the first to the tenth of the month, which is when the library's closed.)

After this chapter, I will just list this section as "Explanations" and put the A/N after it, separated. Just so we keep things all nice and organized-like.

And now it's time for my favorite part: review responses! Before I start, I would like to give a most enormous thank you to the people who reviewed. In the words of a friend of mine, you all rock my many pairs of socks! And I mean that!

**Wolf McCloud-123:** Why, yes; you _are_ the very first person to review this story! Are you special, or are you special? I'm really glad to hear that you enjoyed Chapter 1, and you're very welcome about the Hot Topic thing. And don't you fret, because just now I did review those two chapters of yer fic!

**attaasa: **Thanks! Glad you liked it. I explained the heart level thing up there for you, so I hope that clears up a bit of the confusion. You really _should_ play a Harvest Moon game or two though, y'know! They have one for Playstation called Back to Nature and it's a lot like the N64 one (they also have one for the PS2, but that's one's not really worth playing…).

I should also point out to those of you who do play HM64 that a lot of last chapter was making fun of Jack and Karen's married life if she's his bride, so if you did have your Jack marry her, you may understand a bit more where the parody thing comes in.

**Queen of the Insects:** Aww, I love you too!

**Cammie Jensen:** Wow…thanks! I really appreciated your review. I didn't expect this story to be called intelligent, of all things… XD. But I'm glad you thought it was funny!

**Atavaka:** Nice to hear that you liked the rock-throwing part. And I liked the way you described Jack as being "completely oblivious". Hah! Maybe I should use that somewhere, sometime- if that's okay with you!

**Footleeismysexysensei:** WHOA! You live! (throws confetti and soda around). You have no idea how happy I am to finally hear from ya again! Sorry about the notebook thing…ergh, that sucks! And not just for you, but for all of us who enjoy _Caelin Anonymous_! Did it get lost through the screwy postal system, or is it just really slow in coming? Well anywhose, I hope they get recovered, somehow! Can't wait to read your stuff again! Holy crap, this is starting to sound like a review and not a review response. Oops. Ahem, so anyway- I don't _think_ it's possible to get Jack's wife's heart level lower than white (and that's only possible if they're both outside, and there are a LOT of weeds in the field).

And yes, this fic _is_ a bit more risqué than my first two. And don't worry; I won't be dropping any f-bombs whatsoever. By that point I kind of sis out too; especially since this is ultra-clean Harvest Moon we're talking about here.

As a matter of fact, I've only read one HM fanfic that f-bombs a lot…it's called _Harvest Moon: A Horrible Life_, by this guy called Zephyrage. It's really funny, however, and it's in my Favorites. So go read it if you're bored!

Well, so that's it for the Responses! This was a long one, I know; but people left long reviews, too! And if you can take the time to make a nice and long review, the least I can do as thanks is make a nice and long response! I would also like to thank the reviewers again, because each and every one of you left interesting and intelligent reviews. And that's REALLY something. You should all feel proud of yourselves for your mAd rEvIeWiNg SkIlLz!

Of course, short or long, well-punctuated or not, and even negative or positive, all reviews make me insanely happy! I'm just a sucker like that. So you know what to do now, right? Start clicking and REVIEW! Yaay!

**Next: An Achy-Breaky Heart**


	3. An Attempt at Spouse Retrieval

**A/N:** Okay, so I know I said last time that this chapter was to be called "An Achy-Breaky Heart", but I changed my mind, because the scene that would have earned this chapter that title isn't included anymore. You should probably be glad of that, because now that I think about it, that scene would have been somewhat disturbing. No, you don't want to know. Yes, I will get on with the program.

**Disclaimer: **No, I do not own Harvest Moon or any of its characters. I didn't own them yesterday, I have not owned them today, and I will not own them tomorrow or any other day that will come…sheesh, we all know that! This disclaimer stuff is getting boring. From now on, I'll just trust you to remember that I own nothing on your own.

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_**Chapter 3: An Attempt at Spouse Retrieval

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**_

Jack burst into his house after a good round of fishing. "Lu-cy, I'm ho-o-o-ome!" he sang. "Oops; I meant 'Karen'. Whatever. Close enough. Hey, where's my dinner?"

To Jack's dismay, the only response he got was silence. "What the hell? I thought I told that woman to have my dinner on the table at five every night! Where's she at?" He trotted about the house inquiringly, searching for Karen at every nook and corner. He even looked in the refrigerator and the cabinet; dumbass.

After an hour or so of fruitless searching, Jack exploded. "I can't BELIEVE this! She must still be at her parents' house!" (No shit, Sherlock.) "I'm gonna go over there right now and give her a piece of my mind!"

So Jack set off for the local vineyard.

* * *

_Meanwhile…_

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT BOY! AS SOON AS I GET MY HANDS ON HIM, I'LL WRING HIS NECK UNTIL IT TWISTS OFF AND HIS INTESTINES COME SPILLING OUT OF HIS THROAT!" Gotz bellowed.

"Waaaaah! Jack never listens to me, Mother! All he ever does is FARM all day! He doesn't pay one bit of attention to me at all!" Karen bawled shamelessly.

"THAT LITTLE ASS! NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO MY PRECIOUS LITTLE GIRL? I'M GONNA-"

Her mother, Sasha, patted her on the back in a sympathetic and motherly way. "There, there, dear. It'll be all right. You can stay here until you figure out what you want to do."

"That's not all! He even threw rocks at me! At my head! Can you believe that, Mother?"

Sasha let out a sad sigh. "Alas. I feared such a thing would happen. As soon as I saw that boy I began to get suspicions about him…"

Karen looked up, wide-eyed. "Mother, you _knew_ he was like that when you met him? How?"

"Well, he looked exactly like your father did at that age."

Karen stared aghast at her grizzled, pot-bellied, perpetually drunk father. "You mean Jack's gonna be like THAT when he gets old?"

Gotz missed her remark and abruptly halted his scream-fest. "Yes, I was quite the fine-looking fellow back in my day," he preened. "I guess that Jack's not such a bad fellow after all if he takes after me! And so he's throwing rocks at you, girl? Pshaw, I used to throw rocks at your mother all the time when we were young!"

Karen raised an eyebrow. "Gee, I noticed. I wonder why I grew up to be such a screwed-up bitch, with such a loving family environment and all," she said dryly.

"But she's none the worse for it!" Gotz argued.

Karen shook hear head and sighed, slumping down against the table. She was still repulsed by just the thought of her husband becoming like her father in his old age. "I knew I should have stayed here and married Kai instead," she muttered.

As if on cue, Kai himself burst in with his bandana flying about his head and stars flying out of his eyes. "Miss Karen! Do you really mean that?" he screamed, practically hyperventilating with joy. Karen raised an eyebrow.

"On second thought, no," she replied. Kai hung his head sadly and went back outside the house.

Karen turned back to her parents, feeling a little depressed. "Still…I wonder if I should go back home," she murmured. "I'm starting to miss him…"

"I'm sure Jack misses you too, dear," Sasha told her gently. "Why don't you go on home and see if the two of you can work things ou-"

"Not Jack, Mom," Karen said, annoyed. "_Jiro!_ The dog!"

"…Ah."

* * *

Jack dragged himself up the tall hill that led to the vineyard. "Arrgh, why'd these people have to build their house way up some damn hill?" he complained. "I don't care what Kai says about the soil conditions being ideal for grapes or some such shit; it's a freakin' pain to get there!"

"Arf?" wondered Jiro, Jack's loyal companion. He looked down in surprise at his dog.

"Jiro? What are _you_ doing here?"

"Arf, arf!" Jiro barked.

"You're wondering why Karen didn't feed you today, huh? Yeah, me too."

"Grrrrr," growled Jiro threateningly.

"Yeah, we'll tell her off good, won't we, boy?"

Jiro considered biting Jack's leg off at this point, but then decided it wasn't worth the effort. Instead he chose to follow his completely oblivious master up the hill and into the Flower Bud Vineyard.

"Karen!" Jack bellowed as he stormed through the gate, making quite the unnecessarily dramatic entrance, "Where the hell are you, woman?"

* * *

Inside the house, Karen gasped upon hearing the voice of her loving husband. "It's Jack! SHIT! Mom, if he comes in, tell him I'm not here!"

"You want me to lie?" Sasha asked incredulously. "The Harvest Goddess does not approve of such immoral actions, Karen."

"Err…well...'lying' is such an ugly word," she tried. Her mother raised an eyebrow, and Karen gave up. "Okay, yes! Yes, I want you to lie! No- I NEED you to lie, Mother. Ple-e-e-ease?" She batted her eyelashes up at her mother and put a pathetically appealing look on her face.

Karen's mother sighed and patted her on the back. "Just go on upstairs, honey. Let your father and I handle this."

"Yay!" Karen exclaimed. "You're the best, Mom!" She hurried upstairs just as Jack burst through the door.

"Where the hell's my wife?" he demanded without ceremony.

"Oh, Jack!" Sasha plastered a fake-pleasant smile on her face. "Would you like to sit down?"

"I'd like to sit down at my own table to eat a meal that Karen's just cooked for me, because I'm freakin' hungry. Unfortunately, I can't do that because she's _here _and not _there_. Am I right?"

Gotz stood up and cracked his knuckles in a most threatening and fatherly-in-law way. "You made my little girl cry, you bastard…"

Jack looked at him blankly. "What are you talking about? You have no idea how hungry I am; _I_ should be the one crying!" he snapped.

Sasha got up quickly and stood between the two men before their quarrel could escalate into some unwelcome violence. "Now, now, boys," she chided. "Let's sit down and talk this out like civilized human beings, shall we?"

"We live in a village with no computers, cars, or even telephones; and you expect civilization?" Jack pointed out.

"Jack, just go with it, please!" Sasha exclaimed in frustration.

"Fine," Jack muttered. "Shoot then."

"Well, in a nutshell, Karen is a little upset because you don't seem to be paying enough attention to her," Sasha understated. "So she came back to stay with us to get back at- err, I mean, to cool off."

"Well, is she cooled off enough yet?" Jack demanded impatiently.

Sasha frowned. "No-o-o-o…but I'm sure if you apologized to her, she'd be willing to-"

"Great! So that's settled," Jack interrupted. He hopped up from the sofa and loped up the stairs before banging on the door to Karen's former bedroom. "Karenimsorry," he said all in a rush. "Now will you PLEASE get your ass home and start cooking my freakin' dinner!"

"Go away!" Karen shrieked from inside her room.

"I'm not going away unless I have you with me!" Jack declared. "I'll never leave without you- never!"

Karen paused for a moment, taken aback. _'Why…why, that was the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me! Oh, Jack!' _she thought breathlessly, until Jack continued,

"-I REFUSE to eat my own craptacular cooking for the remainder of my earthly days! Yours is no better, but at least you put lots of wine in everything so I can get drunk enough not to notice the taste! Come home at once! I've worked my ass off all day and I'm famished and _I need food!_"

Karen gasped, the very fabric of all her hopes and dreams relentlessly torn asunder by his callow statement. "GO TO HELL!" she screeched.

"I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL YOU OPEN THIS (bleep)ING DOOR!" Jack screeched back.

Sasha chose this moment to drag him away back down the stairs. "I think you'd better draw back for a moment," she told him disapprovingly. "Good grief, do you two always scream at each other like that at home? How did you and Karen even come to get married in the first place?"

"Actually, I have no idea," Jack admitted. It was then that he decided to relate the details of him and Karen's romance to her parents. "It all started the day I went to the bar on my very first night here and took Jiro with me, and all I know is Karen just would not leave me alone. She kept saying, 'Doesn't seem too intelligent, doesn't seem too intelligent,' about Jiro until I felt like beating the snot out of her. I mean, it's true that Jiro's not all that smart, but she had no right to be bitching like that about _my_ dog, now did she?"

"Grrrrrrrr," Jiro growled, glaring at Jack.

"See? Jiro's still hurt about that," Jack said sadly. "But anyway, I finally turned around and told her to cut it out, but then she was all like, 'I LOVE YOU, JACK!' and tackled me. Ever since then she just wouldn't leave me alone! She'd barge into my house whenever I got sick and make me drink this honey-lemon shit, and on my birthday she gave me this really creepy bracelet that she said she made out of my horse's mane!"

"Uh-huh," Sasha said incredulously.

Gotz nodded knowingly and said, "That sounds like our Karen, all right. Just like her mother." Sasha gave him a withering look. "What?" he demanded.

Jack ignored them and continued. "Finally I went to the beach one day to go fishing…"

* * *

_**JaCk'Z mEmOrIeZ!**_

_Karen stood before the water with a sour look on her face when Jack arrived. He was startled at seeing her, not to mention dismayed, for Karen really scared the shit out of him. _

"_Oh, um…hi, Karen," he muttered uncomfortably._

_Karen whirled around and glared at him stonily. "Do you like me?" she demanded, apropos of nothing._

_Jack opened his mouth to say, 'No, bitch, you scare me.' But then, with a rare display of insight on his part, he realized that to do so might not work towards his general well-being. "Sure…why not," he finally lied. _

_Karen's scowl grew darker. "Then bring me a blue feather!" she snapped. She whirled around and stormed haughtily away, leaving Jack puzzled, shaken, and highly disturbed.

* * *

_

"…And so, I brought her a blue feather the next day. I figured she'd kill me if I didn't," Jack concluded. "That Sunday morning I got completely drunk and when I woke up on Monday, Karen told me we'd gotten married."

Sasha stared at him in exasperation. "Jack! Didn't you know what the blue feather means?" she exclaimed.

Jack was baffled. "No. Why; is it important?"

"Boy, in the land of the Harvest Moon, a blue feather is the equivalent of an engagement ring in the city," Gotz grinned.

"Oh," Jack said thoughtfully. "Wow, who'd have thought."

"Good Lord! You really are an idiot!" Sasha averred, all her patience thoroughly worn out. "And now you've dragged my daughter into this unhappy marriage! What are you going to do about it?"

"I guess I'll have to break down her door and drag her home," Jack said sadly.

His mother-in-law stared at him. "Wrong…answer," she said slowly.

Suddenly Gotz' face brightened up. "I've got an idea!" he exclaimed. Jack and Sasha jumped, and gawked at him.

"What is it, dear?"

"Well, it was Jiro that made Karen fall in love with you in the first place, right?" Gotz pointed out.

"Um, yes?" Jack furrowed his brow. "And?"

"So then," Gotz explained, "All you have to do is take Jiro back up there and use him as your weapon to break down her wall of stubbornness and re-enter the door to her heart!"

Sasha's eyes filled with tears. "Oh, darling, that's the most poetic thing you've said in years."

Jack was utterly confused. "Use Jiro as a weapon? You mean I'm supposed to use my dog as a battering ram to break down her door? Look, I'll do what I have to so I can get my wife back, but I think the PETA's gonna be all over my ass if I-"

"No!" Sasha snapped, driven to uncharacteristic impatience by Jack's overwhelming cluelessness. "Take Jiro up there and try to use him to comfort Karen's ill feelings toward you! You know, he could be a sort of mediator, or something."

"Oh, okay. I get it now…I think," Jack said dubiously. Sasha sighed.

"I hope so," she murmured.

"Well then!" Jack slapped the side of his leg and stood up. "Jiro! C'mere, boy! Let's go get the housewife back, eh? I'm sure you're almost as hungry as I am!"

"Arf!" Jiro said, for once in his life agreeing with his master. He trotted obediently up the stairs at his master's side, ready to beard the lion at its den.

* * *

**Explanations:**

**Love the Dog: **In HM64, Karen can fall in love with Jack overnight if you take Jiro to the bar where she works and just talk to her repeatedly while holding him. She will indeed disparage your poor puppy's intelligence, but apparently she likes him more than she will admit, because as you keep talking to her, her heart level will steadily rise from white to purple, purple to green, and so on and so forth. You can keep doing this until she's finally at a pink heart. It takes a while, but it's a hell of a lot easier than going through the long and boring process of gift-giving. I've tried this trick, so I know for certain that it works.

* * *

**A/N: **Wow, that was quite a long chapter compared to my last two. I hope you guys enjoyed it…frankly, I wasn't exactly pleased with my work this time around. Yes, I know Gotz's mood towards Jack swung every which-a-way in a disconcerting manner. That's the way it turned out and I was too lazy to do much to fix it. Ehh, let's just assume that Gotz is…erm, schizo, or something. Yep. (No offense meant to anyone who might actually be schizophrenic!)

Anyway, I have got to comment on something. It's particularly nice when a reviewer comments not only on the fact that they liked your fic, but also tells you exactly what parts they liked. Every single one of you guys did that last time, and that's awesome beyond words! Did I tell you how much I LOVE you guys? Well, now I love you even more! You reviewer-people really are the bestest ever…sniff!

**attaasa: **Yes, the tea thing is something Jeff actually says in the game. It's very repetitive and very annoying. And Jiro was the whole reason Karen married Jack. That actually happened in my game; I had Jack seduce her with Jiro one night and never talked to her again, and went my way and tried to do other things, but then the bitch just wouldn't leave him alone! And I was trying to have him woo Popuri at the time too, so when Jack got birthday gifts from Karen (always a horsehair bracelet) instead for about three years it was very irritating.

**Atavaka:** I'm glad you enjoy it! Your comments are really encouraging. Actually, while I do know where the story is headed for the next few chapters, I too have no clue where it will ultimately lead… XD. But hopefully, you'll continue to have a good time reading!

**Cammie Jensen:** Oh my God, when I first saw the Gourmet dude I wasn't even sure if it was human- much less whether it was a he or a she, until it said Gourmet "Man". Oh, and when you go to your wife's parents and get her back all the other wives will reappear too. (Maybe they were on strike, protesting Jack's treatment of his spouse or something?) Yeesh, Cliff is hot. A lifestyle change on Jack's part certainly would be interesting. That reminds me- if you've ever played More Friends of Mineral Town, has it ever occurred to you that the bachelorettes might be hitting on Jill Harvest? As you get to know them better they start saying some pretty freakin' weird things. I think maybe the game designers forgot to change the girls' dialogue from Friends of Mineral Town (I can't be too sure, though, since I haven't got that one).

**Grenfrie:** Hooray, I got a review from the writer of the funniest Harvest Moon fic I have ever read! Guys, go read his fic "_Krazy Kai_", now! It's a lot funnier and more clever than mine. And I agree with you about the letters thing. And Harris…where DOES he live, anyway? Before he marries Maria, I mean. I've always wondered about that!

**Footleeismysexysensei:** This story makes you happy? Well, your reviews make _me_ happy! And yes, if you have a child when you drive your wife away she will take him with you. No, you don't have to pay child support. Jack can get away perfectly fine with being a deadbeat dad. Somehow I don't think the legal system of Flower Bud Village is all that impressive. Oh! And it gladdens me ever so that you liked Cliff and Jack's conversation about the rock-throwing; it was one of those fell-out-of-the-showerhead inspirations. Heh.

**Wolf McCloud-123:** Oh m'gosh…I think you might have just written the biggest review in the whole of fanfiction history. AND THAT'S AWESOME! The more stuff to read, the better, I say! I, too, have Animal Crossing. It's great stuff. Mr. Resetti is actually kinda funny, I've always thought. Me and my brother would reset over and over again just to watch him piss off. Then again, we're both as lame as a couple of dead goldfishes being flushed down a toilet, so I guess Nintendo's attempts at getting cheap laughs from us works. Argh, and I hate Tom Nook. He's SO DUMB. Anywhose, I'm glad you like my stories that much…sniff…it warmeth ye little cockles of me heart!

Whoo, six pages. Damn, this thing is long. Anyway, I haven't got ANY of next chapter written yet, which is a bit unusual for me. But hopefully I'll still be able to have it up soon. OH! And I got Harvest Moon: MFoMT a couple weeks ago and I am totally obsessed with it. So as the story progresses, you can expect to see the plot grow from encompassing just the world of HM64 and reaching for broader horizons! Does that mean we'll soon be seeing, gasp, JILL Harvest? The Doctor? Muffy from A Wonderful Life? Heh heh…who knows?

**Next: A Further Attempt at Spouse Retrieval**


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